Ep. 7: Conservation

Survival of the Privy: Toilet Talk for the Resourceful

Let’s talk about the true essential—no, not bread or eggs—toilet paper. You might think you have enough TP in your house to last through a small hurricane, but then you check and—oops—it's getting perilously close to "roll-less." So, let’s dive into the world of bathroom conservation, where we save money, save water, and most importantly, save your dignity. Trust me, there's a lot more to toilet routines than meets the eye.

The Toilet Paper Dilemma: Three Squares or Bust?

So, you're staring down your toilet roll, and it's getting a little too close for comfort. You’re trying to stretch the last few squares like it’s your personal "Survivor" episode. I’m here to tell you that three squares—yes, you heard that right—three squares can indeed be enough.

You don't need a whole roll for one visit, folks. If you fold those squares like you're solving a geometry puzzle, you can cover your bases without worrying about the dreaded "dookie finger." I've been trying it myself—cutting down to three squares—and guess what? It’s been working. Now, don’t get me wrong, if you’ve eaten leftover burritos or anything moist (let's not go into details), you may need an extra square. But in general, it’s all about the technique. Three squares, fold ‘em, use 'em wisely. It's like origami, but for your behind.

Toilet Water: Why You Should Think Twice Before Flushing Your Life Away

Let's talk toilets, shall we? You might think it's just a place to sit and scroll through your phone, but the toilet’s water usage is actually a big deal. We're not talking about the toilet with a fire-breathing dragon feature (that’s just absurd), but hey—some toilets are designed to save water. Enter the “sink-to-toilet hybrid,” where the water from washing your hands fills the toilet tank. So, while you’re scrubbing away, the water that’s already been touched by your hands can now be used to flush away... your “contribution.” Cool, right?

But here’s the catch: when you’re brushing your teeth, don’t hover over the toilet. The chance of dropping your toothbrush into the “danger zone” is far too real. Just saying. Let’s avoid any cross-contamination here.

Water Conservation: If It’s Yellow, Let It Mellow (But Seriously, Just Flush)

Ah yes, the infamous “mellow yellow” rule. Look, we’ve all heard the line: “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.” But let’s be honest—if it’s brown, just flush it. There's no need to turn your bathroom into a science experiment. If you’re really serious about saving water, turn off the sink between tasks (I mean, we all brush for two minutes, right?), and don’t let the faucet run while you do your thing. Every drop counts, people!

Saving Soap (and Your Skin)

Next up: soap. Oh, soap. It’s like the essential, unsung hero of bathroom routines. But what if I told you that you don’t need to pump an entire marshmallow of soap every time you wash your hands? A little goes a long way. I’ve adopted the “nickel to quarter-sized pump” approach, and trust me, it's enough to get those hands squeaky clean.

Sure, you can dilute soap with water, but you’ll quickly find out it’s not quite the same. Soap watered down feels, well, watered down. If you're feeling extra frugal, you can try making your own soap (because who doesn’t love a DIY project?), but at the end of the day, it’s about using less. Save the soap, save your budget.

Toothpaste: The PEA-Sized Revolution

Are you guilty of squeezing out a glob of toothpaste big enough to cover a small city? Stop it. You only need a pea-sized amount—yes, just a pea. That’s it. Your mouth’s natural fluid system will help spread that tiny dot around like magic. And hey, if you’re in the market for floss, don’t overdo it either. A foot and a half of floss should suffice. And for the love of all things minty fresh, do not reuse floss! Your dentist has a bottomless supply waiting for you, so use it once and toss it.

The Ultimate Game: Toilet Paper and Other Bathroom Resources

Finally, let’s talk toilet paper again (you knew it was coming). As I’ve mentioned, three squares will do the trick, but there’s one hack I swear by: date your supplies. I’m talking about marking when you open a new bottle of soap, a new tube of toothpaste, or a fresh roll of TP. This gives you a game to play with yourself—How long can I make this last? It’s a weirdly satisfying way to save a few bucks. Just don’t jeopardize hygiene for the sake of winning a game. Cleanliness > savings. Always.

And in case you were wondering—yes, I've been living the three-squares life lately and I haven't been left high and dry. But there’s a lesson here—stay aware of what you’ve eaten, how moist the situation is, and adjust accordingly. If you need an extra square, go for it. Your behind will thank you.

A Toilet Tale to End the Day

Oh, and here’s a quick anecdote from my college days to wrap this up. Picture this: me and my roommate, freshmen in a dorm, with a direct view of the community bathroom. One day, we hear excitement (no, not the fun kind) coming from the restroom. Naturally, we investigate. And there they were—guys gathered around a toilet, flushing an entire roll of TP and watching it get sucked down like some sort of bizarre magic trick. You’d be amazed at how much TP can get sucked into a toilet before it breaks. We probably wasted an entire roll that day, but hey—we were young.

So, next time you're stuck in a public restroom, and you need a pick-me-up, just try it. Line up a good length of TP and watch it go down the drain. It might just make your day. Trust me.

Wrapping It Up

At the end of the day, the key to bathroom conservation is simple: use less. But don’t sacrifice your cleanliness for the sake of frugality. Be smart, be efficient, and remember—when in doubt, just flush.