Ep. 6: Ancient Egyptian Bathing

A Journey Through Ancient Egyptian Bathing

Let’s talk about the ancient Egyptians. Not their pyramids. Not their mummies. No, let’s talk about something a little more... fragrant. Baths. But first, a quick question: When you think of a bath, what comes to mind? A peaceful soak with a bath bomb, some relaxing music, maybe a glass of wine? Well, that’s not what the ancient Egyptians had in mind when they hit the Nile. Oh no, their baths were more about survival—and avoiding stinky neighbors like Carl and Karen.

The Nile: The World’s First Public Bathhouse (Yikes)

For most Egyptians, bathing wasn’t a personal, quiet affair. It was public, like “bath in front of Carl, his family, and maybe a crocodile” kind of public. Imagine, you're in the river, trying to get clean, and who comes along but Carl—the local stinker. Oh, and guess what? He’s upstream. Thanks, Carl. At least the river helped wash some of that funk away... or did it?

Bathing was essential, and it was common for Egyptians to do it daily, compared to the oh-so-gracious once-a-week bathers of the Middle Ages. And why was this so important? Well, the Egyptians were a very clean people, and it wasn’t just for hygiene’s sake. No, no. They believed that cleanliness was tied to the divine—because nothing says "I'm ready to face the afterlife" like smelling like roses, not like Carl after his fifth trip to the river.

It’s All About Appeasing The Gods

Here’s where things get really interesting: The ancient Egyptians didn’t just bathe to avoid offending their noses. They believed that being clean was a way to honor the gods. Yep, “cleanliness is next to godliness” wasn’t just a modern saying—it was the truth to them. If you didn’t smell good in life, the gods might not want to hang with you in the afterlife. And let’s face it—who wants their afterlife to be full of judgment from the gods because they let their pits get funky?

Cleopatra's Milk Bath: Not as Glamorous as It Sounds

Now, you might have heard of Cleopatra’s infamous milk bath. It sounds luxurious, right? Soothing goat’s milk, warm and silky, right? Well, nope. In fact, it sounds like the worst spa experience ever. Imagine sloshing around in soured, curdled goat milk under the hot Egyptian sun—doesn’t exactly scream “relaxation.” But hey, Cleopatra might’ve been onto something. Turns out, curdled milk does contain more lactose agents, which can be good for your skin (but I’ll stick to my lotion, thanks).

The Science of Smell: Natron and Perfume

When it comes to the science of cleanliness, the Egyptians were ahead of their time. Their soap was a mixture of clay, ash, and—wait for it—perfume. Because what’s the point of washing if you’re just going to end up smelling like an old shoe? This concoction was known as natron, and it was often mixed with animal fat and oils. Honestly, they had this whole skin-care routine down before anyone even thought of Instagram skincare influencers. They’d even add oils to their baths to treat skin ailments caused by too much sun, or, you know, swimming in a crocodile-infested river.

The Rich vs. The Rest: A Divided Bathing Experience

While Carl and Karen were bathing in the Nile like common folk, the rich folk—let’s say Pharaoh, for example—had a slightly more refined bathing experience. The elite took their baths indoors, with water fetched from the Nile by slaves. Of course, the Pharaoh didn’t have to share his water with Carl, but let’s be real: the Nile water was shared, so even the rich could have a run-in with Carl’s unsavory odor.

The Evolution of Egyptian Bathing: Technology to the Rescue

As time went on, Egyptian bathing practices evolved. The Romans brought heated water to bathhouses, which—spoiler alert—was a total game-changer. Cold baths? Yikes. Give me warmth, or I’m out. This shift in technology didn’t just change the bath experience; it made people a little more... relaxed. And, perhaps, just a little more tolerant of Carl’s lingering smell. (But honestly, if Carl and Karen are still around, it might be time to put a lid on the public bathing situation altogether.)

The Legacy of Ancient Egyptian Baths

The Egyptians may not have invented bath bombs or face masks, but they were pioneers of bath technology and hygiene. What we can learn from them is the importance of cleanliness—not just for our own comfort, but as a way of honoring our own beliefs, much like they did with their gods.

So next time you hit the bath, remember: You might not be battling crocodiles or attempting to avoid Carl's funky water, but you’re still participating in a long tradition of bathing that’s been around for millennia. And as for Carl and Karen? Well, if they show up in your bath, maybe it’s time to reevaluate where you're getting your water.