Ep. 28: Independence Day Special: Patriotic Privy Pits
Patriotism, Punch Bowls, and Poop Pits
American Independence Day. A time to celebrate freedom, eat grilled meats, and try not to accidentally launch a bottle rocket into your neighbor’s above-ground pool. We gather to honor America’s bold move to leave its colonial parents’ house, shout “You’re not the boss of me!” and declare that henceforth we shall bathe sparingly and defecate in holes—privy pits, if you will.
Yes, today’s tale is one part national pride, one part historical mystery, and one big scoop of archaeology… from the bottom of an 18th-century poop hole.
Cold Start: A Bathroom Emergency at Target
Before we dig into American history, let’s talk about something equally patriotic: bad Taco Bell decisions.
Picture it: I pick up a buddy for some Pokémon Go adventures, when suddenly—bam!—my guts remember the Crunchwrap Supreme I had earlier. I speed to Target, rush in five minutes before close, and begin handling business. Mid-situation, a worker barges in like Paul Revere yelling, “Five minutes ‘til freedom!” I cut the mission short and spend the next hour clenching harder than the Liberty Bell on tax day.
Let that set the tone.
US Independence Day: When America Moved Out
So what is Independence Day?
It’s the day America told England, “Thanks for the awkward accents and legal system, but we’re gonna do our own thing now.” July 4, 1776: America officially filed for colonial divorce. We celebrate with fireworks (made in China), grilling (mostly overcooked), and shouting “‘MURICA” with juice running down our chins.
But this year, I came across a poop-related archaeological dig so patriotic, I had to share it with you all.
A Revolutionary Privy Pit
In Philadelphia, just blocks from where the Declaration of Independence was signed, archaeologists uncovered a privy pit—a literal bathroom hole in the ground, used just after America’s independence was declared.
Let that sink in:
America was barely a week old… and somebody dug a giant poop hole.
If that’s not liberty, I don’t know what is.
This pit—located at 3rd & Chestnut—belonged to one Mary and Benjamin Humphreys. They’d just bought a house and, as one does, dug a pit to handle their patriotic deposits. That’s just what you did before indoor plumbing. No bidets. No flush. Just a wooden shack and a prayer.
But this wasn’t just any pit.
Pit, Please: What They Found Was Bonkers
Archaeologists expected a few broken mugs and maybe the ghost of Ben Franklin. Instead, they found:
German tankards
Chinese porcelain
100+ empty bottles
Broken glassware
Serving dishes
A Punch Bowl with a philosophical quote
Conclusion: This wasn’t just a bathroom—it was an illegal tavern’s dump zone.
Yeah. Turns out the Humphreys were running a speakeasy out of their house. Or in colonial terms: “ye olde house party of questionable legality.” Oh, and Mrs. Humphreys? Eventually busted for running a brothel. Naturally.
Nothing says "Land of the Free" like moonshining and shenanigans within months of winning a war for self-governance.
The Punch Bowl Heard ‘Round the World
Among the wildest discoveries was a broken Punch Bowl that, when pieced together like some weird American jigsaw puzzle, revealed this inscription:
“We admire riches and are in love with idleness.”
Okay, deep. But it gets deeper.
That quote? It’s from Marcus Cato, a Roman senator who—in 63 BCE—told the Roman Empire to shove it and prioritize liberty over tyranny. Basically: “If your government’s corrupt, ditch it.”
Sound familiar?
America literally put that idea into the Declaration of Independence:
“...whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive... it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it.”
So this punch bowl, likely made in Liverpool, depicted a British ship—the Tryphena—that historians believe carried early anti-Stamp Act letters back to England. So the ship helped launch the revolution, the bowl commemorated it, and years later someone used it to serve questionable ale in an underground bar, then chucked it into a poop pit.
Peak. American. History.
Modern Takeaways from a Colonial Toilet
So what have we learned from this deep dive into America’s first post-independence porta-potty?
People will throw literally anything in the toilet if given the chance.
Today it’s floss picks. In 1776, it was porcelain tankards.Taverns were the social media of the 1700s.
You went, you got a little tipsy, you ranted about England, and you probably quoted Roman senators you barely understood.The foundations of liberty were quite literally built over poop.
It doesn’t get more humble than that.
Closing Thought: From Crap to Constitution
Who would’ve guessed that 220+ years later, we’d be learning about American history from a hole full of human waste and broken glassware?
But that’s the beauty of Privycast. We believe truth can be found in strange places—public bathrooms, rest stops, Target at 9:55 PM... and yes, ancient latrines.
So this July, raise a glass (not one from the pit, please), fire up the grill, and celebrate the freedom to poop in peace.
Happy Birthday, America.
Sources:
https://amrevmuseum.tumblr.com/post/101420910450/week-twelve-archaeology
