Ep 175: Demolition Man’s 3 Seashells

What’s the Deal with the Three Seashells in Demolition Man?

If you’ve never seen Demolition Man, the synopsis is about as 90s-action-movie as it gets:

Los Angeles is in chaos, so both cop John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone) and criminal Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) are sentenced to CryoPrison—which is like freezer jail with the occasional personality reboot. Fast forward 36 years, and in the year 2032, Spartan is thawed out into a utopian, pacifist society called San Angeles—which, spoiler, sounds like hell. Phoenix escapes, chaos returns, and Spartan has to team up with a future cop played by Sandra Bullock to stop him.

The catch? In this cleaner, softer future, toilet paper is no more. Instead, they have… three seashells.

That’s right. Our man John Spartan enters a restroom and discovers a void where the Charmin should be. In its place? A little display of three seashells. When he asks how to use them, everyone—including Rob Schneider, because of course—is horrified that this Neanderthal still wipes with paper.

Now, if you’re thinking, “That’s just a gag,” you’re absolutely right. It was. But this is the internet, and the internet has never met a joke it couldn’t overanalyze into a doctoral thesis. So here we are, three decades later, still trying to solve this slippery little puzzle.

Fan Theories Galore

Here are some of the more popular interpretations of how the seashells work:

The Chopsticks & Scraper Method
Two shells as chopsticks to grab and pull, and one to, um… scrape.
Immediate red flag. I don’t like the word “scrape” being anywhere near my b-hole. That’s not a region where scraping should occur. That’s a soft-tissue zone, not a countertop.

The Futuristic Bidet Theory
Each shell is a button for a step in an automated cleaning process: spray, dry, powder. Honestly, not the worst idea. But if we had bidets in the 90s—and we did—surely future-dude Stallone would've recognized one disguised as seashells. Especially because, and I cannot stress this enough, NO ONE makes buttons shaped like seashells. That's like putting the start button for your oven inside a coconut.

The Metaphor for Lost Common Sense
Some believe the shells are commentary: society’s so tech-dependent they’ve lost the ability to do basic things. Cool idea, but if you’re going to symbolize that, maybe don’t use toilet time. Not when bidets and wet wipes are both rising stars on the personal hygiene stock exchange.

The “Usability Metaphor” Theory
This one’s from design nerds. The seashells represent the idea of learnability and innovation in tech: it’s not about practicality, it’s about pushing people to discover new solutions. Great. But again, I’m not looking for “discovery” when I’ve just dropped off a Taco Bell regret log and need to clean the splash zone.

What Did Sly Say?
Sylvester Stallone himself finally weighed in. His theory? You use two shells like chopsticks and one as a scraper.

First off, the disrespect. I come to the future, and not only do you take away my toilet paper, but now I’ve got to master chopstick dexterity to wipe my own butt? No thank you, sir.

Also, again with the scraping. Stop trying to make scraping happen. It’s not going to happen.

What Did the Writers Say?
The writer of Demolition Man finally admitted the origin of the idea: He was stuck writing a scene with a futuristic bathroom, called a buddy, and the guy said, “I’ve got seashell decorations in mine.” And like any writer on a deadline, he slapped it in and called it a day. End of story.

He never explained how they work. Because they don’t.

But you know who might’ve known how they worked? The ancient Greeks.

History’s Got Your Back(side)

Turns out, in some ancient Greek texts, people used little pottery shards or smooth stones to clean themselves. They were called pessoi or ostraka. One story literally says, “three pessoi should do the trick.”

Three… smooth… scraping tools. Sound familiar?

Also, remember our patriotic privy pits we’ve talked about on past episodes? Guess what archaeologists found buried with the old poo: bits of cloth… and seashells.

History’s not just repeating itself—it’s wiping with itself.

So What Do I Think?

I think future man, for all his hover cars and cryo-freezers, somehow forgot toilet paper existed and regressed. The people of San Angeles think they’ve innovated. They think three little shells are better than two-ply.

But the truth?

John Spartan’s not behind the times. He’s ahead of them. He knows the real future was already invented—and it comes on a roll.

Closing Thoughts

The mystery of the three seashells might never be solved. But it probably shouldn’t be. Because deep down, we all know what they are:

Just another excuse for scraping. And that, friends, is why toilet paper is, again, the solution.