Ep 174: RANKed: Privy’s Best Canned Shower Drink
RANKed: Best Shower Drinks & the Wild History of the Can That Made It All Possible
There are few moments in life more transcendent than standing in a hot, steamy shower while sipping something cold and fizzy out of a can. It’s chaotic. It’s refreshing. It’s civilized barbarism. Welcome back to Privy, where we dare to ask: what is the best shower drink? And more importantly—how the heck did we even get the can to do it with?
Before we dive into our Shower Drink Power Ranking, let’s take a soapy step back in time.
THE SHINY, SWEATY ORIGIN OF THE ALUMINUM CAN
We have to talk about aluminum—that miracle metal that brought us foil hats, airplanes, and the most important invention of all: the canned beverage.
Let’s rewind: once upon a time, some inventor showed a mushy-dented metal cup to a king. The king said “cool,” then immediately had the guy executed—because this new mystery metal might devalue gold. Tough crowd.
That “glass” was made from alum, a compound with mysterious textile uses. Europe taxed it. The Catholic Church used it to bankroll wars. Chemists poked it with sticks for 200 years.
Eventually, a German chemist figured it out: alumina = Al₂O₃. From there, a bunch of smart folks, including Hans Christian Ørsted (yes, the Bunsen burner guy’s buddy), managed to isolate aluminum—though it caught fire when it touched air. Not ideal.
By the mid-1800s, aluminum was more expensive than gold. Napoleon III wanted to use it for fancy military gear (probably also his bidet). Eventually, electrolytic production made it viable, leading to the Hall-Héroult process in 1889—which, fun fact, is still how we get aluminum today. Basically: zap clay at 1000°C until it bleeds metal.
Fast forward to World War I, where aluminum became key to making aircrafts. Mass production led to recycling. By mid-century, aluminum was everywhere: windows, wires, and—drumroll—cans.
BEHOLD, THE BIRTH OF THE BEVERAGE CAN
1935: Krueger’s Special Beer becomes the first canned beer. Each can weighed nearly four ounces. You needed a can opener called a churchkey to pierce it like a medieval goblet.
1938: Soda jumps in the canning game.
1950s–70s: Innovation goes wild. Cone tops, removable pull-tabs (i.e. weapons), and finally, the stay-in-place pop tab we know today.
Meanwhile, Napoleon Bonaparte (yes, short guy again) had offered a prize in 1795 for whoever could figure out long-term food preservation. Winner: Nicolas Appert, inventor of hermetically sealed jars.
A few years later, Peter Durand patented the metal can. And after another world war, Reynolds Metals and Coors (yes, that Coors) helped usher drinks into shiny, sleek aluminum vessels.
By the 1970s, cans outsold bottles. The Age of Aluminum had arrived. And so had the shower drink.
RANKed: BEST CANNED SHOWER DRINKS OF ALL TIME
It’s hot. You’re sweaty. You’re hunched in a tiled corner. What can cracks open to both cool you down and vibe with soap in your eyes?
We tested drinks using these crucial categories:
Crackability (satisfying to open)
Spill factor (how badly it dumps down your chest)
Drank (overall enjoyment)
Shower factor (vibe compatibility)
Incognito (could you drink this without being judged?)
Warm-up factor (how gross it gets lukewarm)
Dilution (can it handle water getting in it?)
Let’s get sudsy.
🥇 Seltzer (Total: 50)
Verdict: Fizzy, crisp, hydrating—this is the shower drink. Refreshing even when it warms up. Basically a spa treatment in a can.
Shower vibe: You own eucalyptus shower spray and you're not ashamed.
🥈 Soda (Total: 44)
Verdict: It’s not subtle. But when that carbonated cola hits while shampooing? Instant dopamine.
Shower vibe: Like sneaking a Coke in church. Naughty, but feels good.
🥉 Probiotic Soda (Total: 44)
Verdict: All the refreshment, with a smug health boost. Just ignore the kombucha-like funk.
Shower vibe: You compost. You cleanse chakras. You shower drink with purpose.
Honorable Mentions:
Beer (43): Classic. But risky. Spills like a frat boy and warms like regret.
Tea (39): Calm, earthy, good warm or cold. Feels like showering in a cabin.
Energy Drink (38): Like bringing a strobe light to a meditation class. High risk, high stimulation.
Do Not Attempt:
Coconut Water (23): Tastes like sadness and regret when warm. Spills like betrayal.
Brown Sugar Boba (20): Absolutely unhinged. You’ll choke on a tapioca ball and die naked.
Cocktail (21): Sticky. Messy. Dangerous. Save it for the tub, Hemingway.
BONUS: Weirdos We Tested Anyway
Kombucha (33): Funky. Bubbly. Surprisingly good. May summon ancient spirits.
Milk/Yoohoo (30): Showering with milk feels like something a cult does. Don’t.
Hummingbird Nectar (23): Why? You’re not a hummingbird. You’re a sweaty adult.
FINAL RINSE
Seltzer reigns supreme. Soda is a close second. Anything milky, chunky, or requiring a straw? Banished forever. The humble aluminum can, once rarer than gold and feared by emperors, now holds the title of Best Shower Beverage Vessel Ever.
So this summer, when you’re hot, sticky, and contemplating your existence—crack open something cold, step into the steam, and sip like the shower king or queen you are.
Just… maybe skip the Yoohoo.
