Ep. 12: Silencing Bathroom Visits
Stealth Pooping
Hello and welcome to Privy, the podcast where we dive deep into the porcelain palace of life and discuss everything you never knew you needed to know about bathrooms. I’m your host, Hunter Hoover — janitor, lavatory enthusiast, and part-time sound engineer for bodily functions.
Today’s mission: stealth mode.
Let’s face it — bathrooms are not always the most sonically discreet places. In fact, most of the time, they’re like a one-man percussion concert featuring cymbal crashes, tuba blasts, and the occasional water balloon drop.
But for those of us who don’t want our symphony broadcast to the world, fear not — we’re unlocking the top stealth pooping techniques that would make even a ninja blush.
Step 1: Create Distance — The Great Bathroom Migration
If you’re in a house with multiple bathrooms, don’t use the one next to the party. That’s just asking for someone to hear your toilet tuba solo. Go upstairs. Go to the back. Heck, pitch a tent and dig a hole in the yard if you must.
Public restroom? Go for the stall farthest from the door. You want to be the bathroom equivalent of a hermit crab: distant, quiet, and ideally, unnoticed.
Step 2: Build a Landing Pad
Afraid of the dreaded kerplunk? Enter the toilet paper parachute. Drop a few layers of TP in the bowl before liftoff. This cushions your cargo, muffles the impact, and spares the ears of those outside.
Yes, you’re basically crafting a fluffy runway for your poop. Civil engineering meets dignity. Just don’t overdo it, or you’ll clog the drain and trade sound embarrassment for a plumbing disaster.
Step 3: Flush & Release – The Tactical Flush
This is the classic “flush and push” strategy. Time your business with the sound of the toilet flushing. Think of it as the acoustic equivalent of a magician’s smoke bomb. 🧙♂️💨
Caution: This technique is only effective for short bursts. If your activity is… let’s say extended-play, the flush will end too soon, and then everyone knows what you were trying to do. Now it’s just awkward. You’re outed and exposed.
Step 4: Cover Sound with Water
If you're in a single-use bathroom, run the faucet or even the shower for a little white noise magic. It’s the acoustic camouflage you didn’t know you needed. Bonus tip: Use cold water — running hot water while dropping heat creates steam, and that’s a one-way ticket to a stink chamber.
In public bathrooms, though? Don’t even try it. Some poor stranger will just walk in and turn it off, leaving you mid-mission with no cover and a heavy sense of betrayal.
Step 5: Strategic Media Deployment
Blast some music. Fire up a podcast (might I suggest this one?). Play a video. Anything to create a buffer between your bathroom concert and the people outside.
Just choose wisely — if people hear Nickelback blasting from the bathroom, they might be more concerned about your taste than your business.
Bonus: Preventive Gas Management
Few things are louder than a pre-poop fart bouncing off toilet porcelain like a foghorn in a canyon. If you can, pass gas before you sit. Otherwise, the echo could register on the Richter scale.
Final Stealth Tip: Precision Aiming (If You Dare)
Okay, this one’s advanced.
If you can angle your body so the poop hits the porcelain instead of the water, you’ll eliminate splash and sound. But this requires a level of bathroom ballet and flexibility most of us can only dream of.
Honestly, if you're pulling off trick shots in the toilet bowl, you should be in the Bathroom Olympics.
Closing Thoughts from the Janitor’s Journal
All jokes aside, everyone goes. We all make noise. And sure, sometimes it’s a horn section meets Slip ‘N Slide type of situation.
But if a little privacy is what you’re after, now you’re armed with the tools of the trade: distance, dampeners, distraction, and directional dookie techniques.
Stay stealthy, stay clean, and remember: it's okay to laugh about poop. After all, that’s what this podcast is for.
