Ep. 13: Phones on the Throne
Phones on the Throne: A Modern Bathroom Crisis
You probably scrolled past a few memes, ignored a text, and maybe Googled something wildly unnecessary before you even started reading this post. And odds are... you were sitting on the toilet.
Welcome to modern life, where our smartphones follow us everywhere—including into the one sacred space that used to be reserved for quiet contemplation (and also loud pooping).
How Did We Get Here?
The phenomenon of "toileting while scrolling" isn't new—it's just evolved. In the olden days (read: pre-WiFi), people brought newspapers, magazines, and yes, Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader into the stall. Why? Not because they needed to know Garfield’s thoughts right then, but because nobody wants to sit in silence with their own... output.
Back in the day, reading on the can was even practical: people would literally use old newspaper pages to wipe. Recycling at its finest.
But fast-forward to now: instead of ripping pages out of the funny section, we’re checking stock prices, playing Candy Crush, doomscrolling, and sending Snapchats of our knees next to a bathroom tile pattern.
The Stats Don’t Lie
In 2015, a Verizon study revealed that 90% of Americans admitted to using their phone on the toilet. Ninety. Percent. That’s practically a public health campaign waiting to happen.
And that’s just the folks willing to admit it. Imagine what the real number is. (I’m guessing somewhere between “all of us” and “definitely all of us.”)
But Should We Be Doing This?
Let’s break it down—pun aggressively intended—into pros, cons, and things to consider when taking your phone on the throne.
Pros:
Multitasking: Why waste time eliminating waste when you could also be conquering Candy Crush Level 389?
Avoiding Awkwardness: Nobody wants to make eye contact with themselves in the mirror mid-grunt.
Silence is Scary: Some of us don’t know how to be bored anymore. That’s a problem... but not one we’re solving here.
Cons:
💦 The Great Splashdown: All it takes is one slip and boom—your $1,000 iPhone is now bobbing in brown town.
🦠 Germ City: Even if you wash your hands (and please do), your phone didn’t get that rinse. Studies show phones carry more bacteria than toilet seats. That’s right—your phone is grosser than the seat you're sitting on.
⏱ Hemorrhoid Hotline: Sitting too long = bad news for your downstairs plumbing. Phones keep us in the bathroom longer. Don’t trade likes for lumps.
📞 “Are you on the toilet right now?”: Talking on the phone while dropping one is the bathroom version of calling someone while chewing food. It's a choice... but not a good one.
Etiquette Rules for Phone Use in the Bathroom
Let’s agree on some ground rules:
Don’t talk on the phone while pooping. If you must, get consent. And for the love of all things, mute the mic when you flush.
Don’t share content mid-defecation. Nobody wants your Reddit meme shoved under the stall divider.
Do NOT drop your phone under the divider. I don't care how funny the video is—no one wants to touch your poop-phone.
Don’t hog the stall scrolling TikTok while someone else is doing the potty dance outside.
Wipe your phone as well as yourself. Get a Clorox wipe. Use it. Often.
Final Flush
Phones in the bathroom aren’t going anywhere—unless it’s into the bowl. And yes, it's kinda gross. Yes, we should be better. But since most of us are doing it anyway, let’s at least do it smartly, quietly, and hygienically.
So the next time you enter the porcelain office:
Keep your scroll short.
Wipe more than just yourself.
And for the love of dignity, don’t FaceTime anyone from the commode.
