Ep. 11: Running Out of Toilet Paper
What to do when you run out of TP?
First Rule: Wiping Is Non-Negotiable
Let’s assume you’re a civilized human being and intend to clean yourself after you make leavings. This is not optional. If your strategy is “just hike those pants back up and let brown meet cloth,” then I’m sorry, but society cannot support your reckless lifestyle.
We’re talking about post-deposit, mid-process TP emergency. You’ve started the wipe — and now you’re stranded.
Best-Case Scenario: You’re Home Alone
If you’re home and someone’s outside the bathroom door, yell. Summon the Toilet Paper Fairy with urgency. If they love you, they’ll answer the call. If they ignore you…well, that’s a whole different kind of dirty.
If you’re alone, things get more interesting. You might be able to waddle to the TP stash. I keep a Costco bundle within arm’s reach, like a civilized human. If you don’t, you’ve created your own doom.
Can’t walk safely? Take a shower. Let the water cleanse you. Do not — I repeat, do not — start your day knowing you're out of TP. That’s a premeditated crime.
Desperate Measures
Don’t have time to shower? Fine. Improvise. Find a napkin. Paper towel. An empty coffee filter if it comes to that. Just don’t flush anything but TP. Wrap it, bag it, bin it — and take it OUTSIDE. Not to the kitchen trash. Not to your roommate’s bathroom bin. OUTSIDE.
But What If You’re in Public?
Now we enter the danger zone. There are two kinds of public poopers:
Accompanied: There’s someone else in the bathroom.
Unaccompanied: It’s just you, your shame, and an empty spindle.
Accompanied? Time to Swallow Pride and Shout
You call out. "Hey buddy! I’m out of TP — can you hook me up?" It's not weird. You're both pooping. That's the safest bond there is. And if they say no? Shame on them. May their karma be itchy and full of regret.
If you’re the one passing TP, be generous. Don’t pass six squares and call it good. Give them enough to clean a war crime. If you're unsure, ask: “Friend — will this suffice?” If you're sharing TP, you're friends now. That's the rule.
Unaccompanied? Shimmy Time.
This is where dignity goes to die. You do the Sunshine Shimmy — pants half-up, cheeks clenched, you waddle to the next stall like a nervous duckling in a crime thriller.
Flush before you go. It’s the polite thing to do. And once you reach a stall with TP, STAY THERE. Don’t go back to your original stall. That’s madness.
If someone walks in mid-shimmy? Hide. Wait. Pretend you’re a ghost of bathroom shame and disappear when they leave.
And If Every Stall Is Empty?
Oh, dear reader. You’ve entered the endgame.
Check for a paper towel dispenser.
Pray there’s a tissue pack in your bag.
If not… it’s time for some MacGyver-level problem solving.
Worst case: Air dry and waddle out like a regretful penguin. May God have mercy.
Golden Rule of TP Sharing
Always help. One day, you’ll be the one in need. And if you pass that roll under the stall, you’re not just sharing TP — you’re sharing hope.
