Ep. 10: Famous People Who Canned It In the Can
Dead on the John: The Bizarre History of Famous Figures Who Died While Doing Their Business
Ever wondered what it would be like to go out with a bang... in the bathroom? Well, history has provided us with a few legends who met their end in the most unexpected of places: the toilet. So grab a seat (hopefully not one where history will repeat itself), and let’s dive into the absurdly morbid world of famous figures who died on the john.
1. Elvis Presley – The King of... Rock and Roll & Restroom Mishaps
Ah, the King himself. Elvis Presley wasn’t just the King of Rock and Roll, he was also the King of Bathroom Drama. On August 16th, 1977, Elvis was found dead in front of his toilet at his Graceland mansion. Cause of death? A heart attack. But not just any heart attack – one induced by a cocktail of drugs, an enlarged heart, and yes, some very bad bowels. Talk about a prescription for disaster. It seems that in his final days, the King was dealing with a mix of health issues, and his time on the toilet was, sadly, his last performance.
But don’t be fooled – this isn’t a “rock and roll cliche." This was a serious combo of intestinal distress (no joke), medications, and years of health decline. As the King might say, it was a tragic, “Burning Love” situation... minus the love part.
2. Judy Garland – The Wizard of Oz and... The Toilet of Tragedy
Another iconic figure, Judy Garland, best known for her role as Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, also met an untimely demise in the restroom. In 1969, she was found by her fifth husband in her home bathroom on the toilet. Just like Elvis, Garland's death was a consequence of a long battle with drug addiction. And while we can all agree that Dorothy didn’t ask for this, it’s a sad reminder of the real-life struggles many stars face behind the curtain.
3. King George II – The Royal Flush of Royalty
Speaking of royals, did you know that King George II of Great Britain died... while on the throne? Not the metaphorical kind (though that would be a good pun), but the literal kind – the toilet. The King was straining so hard while trying to pass a stubborn stool that he burst a blood vessel in his heart and collapsed, meeting his end in an embarrassing, yet somewhat royal, fashion. Talk about going out with a bang—literally!
4. Edmund Ironsides – Stabbed in the Stall (Not So Iron-Sided After All)
Next up, we have King Edmund II of England, known as Edmund Ironsides—though history might’ve wished he was a bit more iron-souled. Edmund met his unfortunate end in a bathroom, where he was stabbed to death while using the facilities. Historians argue whether he was assassinated or whether he succumbed to complications from battle wounds. Either way, this guy wasn’t ready to drop the soap in the worst way possible.
5. Godfrey IV of Lower Lorraine – A Stab in the Butt... Literally
If you think dying in the bathroom couldn’t get worse, well, buckle up. Godfrey IV, Duke of Lower Lorraine, found himself assassinated in the most invasive way possible. It is said that Godfrey was stabbed in... well, let’s just say his rear end while he was doing his business on the throne. And worse? He lived for another week, dealing with the aftermath of his stab wound before eventually succumbing to the injuries. Talk about a pain in the ass.
6. Yusuegi Kenshin – The Sewage Assassin
Our next bathroom death comes from the 16th century in Japan. Warlord Yusuegi Kenshin was a military genius, but unfortunately, his rivals were equally resourceful. An assassin, showing unmatched dedication (and a complete lack of hygiene), hid in the warlord's sewage system to sneak up and kill him while he was on the toilet. Yusuegi was speared to death while taking a very private moment. It’s like a bad horror movie plot but, unfortunately, history had a darker script in mind.
7. Wenceslas III – Assassinated Mid-Poop
Now let’s travel back to 14th century Bohemia, where King Wenceslas III met his end... on the toilet. No, he wasn’t stabbed from below, but instead, a hired assassin struck when he was at his most vulnerable: mid-poop. The assassin snuck in and delivered a fatal blow while Wenceslas was, shall we say, dropping the kids off at the pool. And you thought bathroom breaks were stressful!
8. Duke Jing of Jin – The Pit of Death
Last but certainly not least, Duke Jing of Jin, who lived in ancient China, met his untimely death in a pit of human feces. After receiving a cryptic warning from a shaman, he was so overcome with anxiety that he fell into a “dookie pit” (yes, you read that right) and drowned. This was, without a doubt, a truly terrible way to go. Imagine that as your legacy.
The Moral of the Story: Never Take Your Toilet Time for Granted!
So, what do we take away from all these tragic yet bizarre bathroom deaths? Well, maybe it's a good idea to always lock the door, check for hidden assassins (or potential ghostly spirits), and for goodness sake, don’t strain too hard. Your next toilet trip might just be a bit more cautious, especially after hearing these tales of fame... and fecal finality.
And, as always, remember, life is short – so don’t forget to flush!
