Ep. 43: Does Santa Poop?
Holidays, Voices, and Pumpkin Pie Shenanigans
Okay, we’re “knuckle deep” into Christmas season, and if you hear a scratchy, smoky voice from me today — blame it on a disappearing voice hide-and-seek game. Yup, my voice decided to ghost me mid-week, so if I sound like a gravelly ghost, that’s the vibe. Also, spoiler alert: Pumpkin pie filling and I? We don’t get along. It’s not an allergy, just a mysterious bodily rebellion. But will I keep eating it? Absolutely. Regret? Nope. Denied.
Flat Tires, Bathroom Breaks, and Anxious Toilet Sweats
We traveled for Thanksgiving and were super thankful the car didn’t get a flat tire on the road — it happened after we got home. Traveling with kids is a guaranteed recipe for “I gotta go” moments right after you leave a rest stop. And let’s be honest, those moments bring on the anxious toilet sweats — that weird panic that makes you need the bathroom even more. It’s toilets all the way down.
Santa, Sinterklaas, and the Curious Case of Where He Poops
Welcome to Privy, the family-friendly-ish podcast about toilets (recorded from my throne). If you’re a parent, heads up — we’re diving into the history of Santa Claus, and some of it’s a little less “Ho Ho Ho” and more “Hmm, interesting.” If you want to skip the deep Santa history (or think your kids wouldn’t dig it), fast-forward about 10 minutes.
A Quick Santa History Lesson
Saint Nicholas was a generous dude from around 200 AD, known for giving to kids and sailors. His day is December 6th — right before Christmas — and folks believed buying big on his day brought good luck. Despite the Protestant Reformation sweeping through Europe, Saint Nick stayed popular, especially in Dutch culture where he’s known as Sinterklaas.
Fun fact: Dutch immigrants brought Sinterklaas traditions to early America — before it was America. They even put toys in stockings and treats on trees, legends say from Sinterklaas himself.
How Modern Santa Got His Groove
In 1822, Clement Clark Moore wrote “’Twas the Night Before Christmas,” accidentally inventing modern Santa — sleigh, reindeer, and all. Fast forward, Coca-Cola helped give Santa his iconic red suit, and capitalism ran with it. Santa became a jolly toy-delivering marketing genius. But hey, the dude was once a saint bringing charity, now he’s a mall fixture reminding us to behave or else.
But Wait… Where Does Santa Poop?
This Privy episode tackles the BIG question: Where does Santa poop on Christmas Eve? Yes, Santa poops. Yes, he flushes. And yes, Poo-Pourri (not an ad, but close) claims Santa is stealthy about it, thanks to magic and strategic house-hopping. Imagine Santa dropping by every few seconds — gotta choose houses with enough toilet real estate to avoid getting caught.
Santa’s got to stay odor-free because… well, kids are watching. So he’s either stealthily washing hands in the sleigh or using some magic sanitizer.
Santa’s Cookie Conundrum
The man’s eating thousands of cookies each Christmas Eve. Someone’s gotta handle that sugar and milk combo. Some theories say Santa’s got a toilet on his sleigh — nope, doesn’t exist. Others think he wears Depends — no thanks. I believe Santa’s got some secret medication to keep things smooth, but I propose a little experiment: sprinkle some laxatives in those cookies and see if we can catch Santa in the act. Spoiler: It’ll probably land you on the naughty list.
Final Thoughts
Santa poops, flushes, and probably gets told off by Mrs. Claus for putting the toilet paper roll on backwards. Thanks for joining another Privy episode, merry Christmas, happy holidays, and as always — don’t forget to flush!
