Ep. 34: Big Ol’ Viking Turd
Vikings, Meatballs, and the Most Legendary Turd in Human History
Instead, this week we're diving deep — How to Train Your Dragon style — into Vikings. But less Hiccup and Toothless, and more pillaging-meets-plumbing.
State Fair Snacks: The Pre-Show to Plunder
Let’s first talk about what happens before we get to the Vikings’ business end. The Montana State Fair, for instance, used to serve something called a Viking, which was essentially a softball-sized meatball on a stick. It was a deep-fried spheroid of regret just waiting to rearrange your digestive calendar.
Or the “cow pie”—which, despite the name, is a cheeseburger lovingly sealed inside a deep-fried shell. Culinary chaos? Yes. Delicious? Also yes.
Vikings: Less Roar of the Dragon, More Roar of the Gut
The Viking Age technically lasted about 350 years (800–1150 AD), which is somehow both shorter than you'd expect and longer than the U.S. has been a country. Over 200,000 Scandinavians hit the high seas, sailing from places like Norway—land of sharp mountains and unpronounceable fjords—and settling everywhere from Canada to England.
Quick detour: the word "Viking" actually comes from an old Norse term for “pirate raid.” So when we say Viking, picture Jack Sparrow, but beefier, fur-covered, and way more into axes than eyeliner.
One such metal-named Viking? Eric Bloodaxe. Yes. That was his actual name. If that doesn’t scream Dungeon Master’s favorite character, I don’t know what does.
But Let's Talk About the Poop
Now for the moment you've all been waiting for—the most historic bowel movement of all time.
In 1972, under what is now a Lloyds Bank in York, England, archaeologists uncovered an 8-inch-long, 2-inch-thick turd. That’s right. The single most impressive human deuce in recorded history. And it was fossilized. Like amber for butts.
This ancient Viking loaf is now lovingly preserved at the Jorvik Viking Centre, where people line up to gaze upon its meaty majesty.
What did science find? This particular Viking was on the meat-and-bread diet. Low fiber. Zero berries. And apparently, full of intestinal worms. Like, a serious parasite party. One researcher even called the turd “as irreplaceable as the Crown Jewels.” Which is a sentence I never expected to type, but here we are.
Oh—and in 2003, someone dropped it. Dropped. It. The log split into three pieces. And some poor museum intern probably had to go full Humpty Dumpty on history’s most dangerous dookie. Glue, patience, and possibly therapy were involved.
Hunter's Anecdotes to Keep You Afloats: Business Poop of America Edition
This brings me to my own little historical poop tale. Picture it: I’m in high school, attending a state competition for Business Professionals of America. Think spreadsheets, ties, and teens pretending to be adults.
One of my classmates, David, emerges from the hotel bathroom and proudly yells, “Yo! Come look at this turd!”
Naturally, we all sprinted in there like moths to a flaming port-a-potty.
What we found was... inspiring. A poop so massive it spiraled twice like a cinnamon roll from hell. No water. No shame. Pure art. If there was a Viking lineage in that bathroom, David was channeling it. Honestly? That thing deserved its own plaque.
The Takeaway
So what have we learned?
Vikings weren’t just seafaring warriors—they were prolific poopers.
Deep-fried fair food is one bowel movement away from historical notoriety.
You should always clean your bowl. (Please. For everyone.)
And if your friend David yells about a legendary log, go look. You might just witness history.
Sources:
https://www.history.org.uk/primary/resource/3867/the-vikings-in-britain-a-brief-history
