Ep. 32: Moscow GUM and the Bourgeoisie Bathroom
A Toilet Fit for a Tsar: The Bougie Bathroom of Moscow’s GUM Mall
This week, we flush back the curtain on one of the fanciest public restrooms known to man—and yes, it’s in Russia. So buckle up, because we’re going to Moscow. And no, not the one in Idaho.
From Empress to Inferno: Catherine’s Big Build
Let’s rewind to 1762, when Catherine the Great—wife of Peter III slash cousin (because nothing says royal romance like shared grandparents)—pulled off a coup and became Empress of All Russia. She ruled for 34 years, which, in overthrow-happy Europe, is basically an eternity.
During her reign, Catherine did what any good ruler does: she beautified her empire and built stuff. One of her projects? A sprawling trade center in Moscow. Big, glorious, and probably drafty.
But 50 years later, Napoleon showed up with his army, Moscow’s residents pulled a “scorched earth, but make it literal” move, and poof, the city was on fire. Catherine’s glorious mall? Reduced to ash and smoldering disappointment. Talk about a clearance sale.
Bové & the (Re)Build
After the fire, Moscow tapped Italian-Russian architect Joseph Bové to rebuild. Apparently, when Russia needs a big aesthetic fix, they call an Italian. I respect that. Italians make great pasta and great palaces.
He rebuilt the trade rows on the original site, and over the next 100 years, the place exploded with shops. By 1917, it was home to 1,200 stores, officially becoming the Russian equivalent of Mall of America, but with fewer pretzels and more communism.
From Lenin’s Market to Stalin’s Boardroom
Enter: the Bolsheviks. The Russian Revolution hits, Lenin takes charge, and he’s like, “This mall? Yeah, it’s mine now.” He rebrands it as GUM, short for Glávnyj Universálnyj Magazín—which translates to “Main Universal Store,” not to be confused with chewing gum or that thing stuck under school desks.
GUM was now state-owned, operating under a lovely oxymoron: free-market capitalism controlled entirely by the state. Lenin wanted to show how communism could be sexy... by letting people shop. Spoiler: it didn’t work.
By 1928, Stalin kicked the shoppers out and turned the mall into a mega office space. Imagine turning your local Target into a cubicle farm. That’s the vibe. From here, Stalin wrote up his Five-Year Plans—most of which sounded like he was trying to turn SimCity into SovietCity.
GUM Today: Gucci, Lattes… and a Museum-Quality Toilet
Fast forward to modern day: the USSR collapses, GUM goes private, and it’s now a luxury mall smack in the middle of Moscow’s Red Square. Today it’s full of high-end stores, tourists with too many selfie sticks, and... a bathroom that might make you cry with joy.
Yes, the real star of this Russian mall isn’t Louis Vuitton or Prada—it’s the GUM Imperial Toilet. A bathroom so bougie, so blinged out, it could give Versailles a run for its money.
Inside the Imperial Loo
Let me paint the picture:
Marble countertops? ✔️
Gold fixtures? ✔️
A literal leather couch? ✔️ (Because nothing says classy like lounging between flushes.)
A cologne boutique inside the bathroom? ✔️ (So your pits and your poop can both smell like success.)
All this for the low, low price of about two U.S. dollars. Honestly, that’s cheaper than a sad airport latte, and way more memorable.
They even have luxury toilet paper for sale. What does that mean? Is it quilted? Embroidered? Slightly whispering affirmations? We don’t know—but I want it.
Communal Ropes and Soviet Irony
Here’s the kicker: during Soviet rule, this same lavish lavatory was shut down for being “too bourgeois.” I mean, they weren’t wrong. If your toilet has marble and a gift shop, that’s probably not proletariat-approved.
Instead, it became... a warehouse. Imagine Stalin’s five-year plan documents sitting on top of what used to be a gold-trimmed urinal. Incredible.
But the contrast is wild: a communist regime trying to showcase the “power of the people” by hoarding toilet luxury behind closed doors. If Karl Marx were alive, he’d be like, “Really? Over a bidet?”
Hunter’s Bathroom Couch Realization
Now listen, the only other place I’ve seen a couch in a bathroom was the women’s restroom at a church I used to clean. I walked in and there it was: plush seating, probably scented. I looked at it and instantly thought, “This is what we’re missing in men’s rooms. Comfort. Elegance. Somewhere to think about our mistakes.”
That couch changed me.
Final Flush
So next time you’re in Moscow—and who isn’t these days?—swing by the GUM department store. Shop if you must, but please… drop a deuce in history. Feel what it’s like to wipe with imported decadence and flush beneath golden light fixtures.
Because bathrooms are more than function. They’re freedom. They’re civilization. And in the case of the GUM Imperial Restroom, they’re one marble stall away from royalty.
