Ep. 25: Don’t Pee in the Pool
Pool Privy: Why You Should Shower Before Swimming (And Why Chlorine Deserves More Respect)
By Hunter Hoover, Resident Toilet Enthusiast and Summer Sweat Survivor
Let’s talk about swimming pools. More specifically: the wild cocktail of sweat, sunscreen, and—brace yourself—booty particles that we all blissfully splash around in every summer.
And if you’re like me, you’ve probably wondered:
“Is chlorine really that much of a weakling that it can’t handle my armpit stank?”
Valid question. I see you, skeptical swimmer. I once was you.
The Great Shower Debate: Pre vs. Post Pool
For most of my childhood and awkward teenage years, I thought of pre-swimming showers as a polite suggestion—like RSVP’ing to a birthday party you have no intention of attending. I mean, you’re about to throw your whole body into a vat of chemical soup. Isn’t that the bath?
Turns out, not so much.
Science Says:
Showering before you swim isn’t to clean you, per se. It’s to save the chlorine from an early death. Chlorine is a social butterfly. When it enters the pool, it’s “free” and looking to mingle with contaminants—bacteria, body oils, lotions, and, yes, your funk. But once it pairs up, it’s done fighting the good fight. One bond, and it’s off the market.
The more junk you bring in, the faster chlorine gets... well, tied down. And a pool full of busy chlorine is a pool that's losing its disinfecting power.
So if you thought you were too good to rinse off, you were actually just sabotaging the water. Congrats.
“I Fake Showered!” - You, Probably
Standing under a stream for three seconds and flicking some water at your shoulder? That ain’t a shower, champ. That’s theater.
A Dutch research team (yes, this was researched by scientists in lab coats, probably near windmills) found that 30–60 seconds of actual rinsing helps, especially if you use soap. And yes, that includes rinsing the ahem rear zone. Preferably... without a swimsuit still on.
But let’s be honest, no one’s doing that. Which is why…
Poop Math. Yes, We’re Doing Poop Math.
The average adult has 0.14 grams of fecal matter hanging out near the perineum (a.k.a. the no-no zone). Children? Up to 10 grams. I’m not great at math, but even I know that if 15 adults and 30 kids jump into a pool without showering, we’re looking at over a third of a pound of poo in that water.
And that’s just the visible, tangible stuff. Don’t even get me started on virus counts. Okay, too late—one gram of feces can have up to a billion virus particles. And yes, some of those bad boys are chlorine-resistant.
One of the worst offenders? Cryptosporidium. This microscopic menace just says “nah” to chlorine and can cause ghost diarrhea—also known as “crypto.” Think “diarrhea that appears out of nowhere.” Like Danny Phantom... but in your pants.
Anecdote Break: The Great Snickers Incident
Let me paint you a picture. I’m at the lazy river at Gibson Pool. Life is good. I'm coasting along in a rented tube (okay, stolen from the pool deck). Suddenly, pandemonium. Lifeguards are blowing whistles like it’s a whistle-blowing competition. Kids are scaling the walls like caffeinated spiders.
Why?
Floating log.
Spoiler: It was a Snickers bar. Someone tossed it in, and the result was the most chaotic faux-poop evacuation I’ve ever witnessed.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
Swim Diapers: Tiny Heroes, Limited Power
Swim diapers are magical until they’re not. They’re built to keep the solid stuff in. But they do not last forever. And when they fail? That’s called The Breach. If you’re a parent, keep your kid’s diaper fresh. No one wants to relive the Great Snickers Incident—especially not because of a real log.
Do Pools Smell Like Chlorine? Maybe That’s the Problem.
Smelling chlorine doesn’t mean the pool is clean. It might mean it’s too dirty—so much so that the chlorine is overreacting with contaminants and letting off that pungent smell as a cry for help. So if the water reeks of a high school locker room, maybe... don’t cannonball in.
Let’s Bust Some Pool Myths
MYTH: Pee turns pool water blue.
TRUTH: Lies. Movie magic. Propaganda from pool managers everywhere to scare you.
Still nasty? Yes. Should you do it? No. Can we blame grown-ups 2? Maybe.MYTH: Chlorine kills everything.
TRUTH: Not crypto. Not your stanky sunscreen. Not that unshowered guy floating nearby.
In Summary: Just... Shower, Okay?
Whether you’re poolside, lakeside, riverside, or floating aimlessly in the ocean, the rules are simple:
Shower before you swim. Use soap. Hit all the zones. You know the ones.
Shower after you swim, too—chlorine can be harsh on your skin and hair.
Don’t poop in the pool. Or near it. Or think about it.
Watch your kids. If they look like they're about to do a Number Two, act fast.
If it floats and it’s not a Snickers, evacuate immediately.
That’s it. Welcome to Privy Summer, y’all.
