Ep. 23: Pee Shy and Bathroom Phobias
Fear and Loathing in the Loo: Why Bathrooms Terrify Us (and Why That’s Okay)
Welcome back to Privy, the only blog bold enough to broadcast straight from the toilet—and this week, we’re digging into the dark, clammy depths of bathroom fear.
You might think bathrooms are all tile, toilet paper, and Taco Bell aftermath—but for many folks, they’re a terrifying arena of social anxiety, performance panic, and germs with names that sound like Star Wars villains. So today, let’s get serious (but also silly) about what happens when the bathroom isn’t a sanctuary—it’s a stage, and you’re afraid to flush.
The Great Bathroom Fear: Social Anxiety at Stall Level
You ever been in a public restroom, sat down to drop anchor, and suddenly realized you weren’t alone? Now it’s a hostage situation between your colon and your pride.
Exhibit A: The Foghorn Leghorn
That’s the sound of a nervous poop echoing off porcelain walls with the force of a cartoon chicken being yeeted into a megaphone. And the fear? Having to face your audience afterward. Applause not guaranteed.
Meet Your Bathroom Brain Demons
There are real, diagnosable conditions tied to all this:
1. Paruresis – AKA “Shy Bladder Syndrome”
Can’t pee if someone else is around? Welcome to the club. Up to 30% of adults deal with this, especially men. You want to go—but your bladder’s wearing a cloak of invisibility and refuses to perform on command.
2. Parcopresis – AKA “Shy Bowel Syndrome”
Fear of pooping in public. Why? Because poop is loud, smelly, and weirdly social. You’re afraid the guy in the next stall is going to know you by the plop profile of your Number Two.
Hunter’s Anecdotes to Keep You Afloats: Maximilian’s Moment
Hunter shares the tragicomic tale of “Satchmo Maximilian,” a shy pee-er whose stream cut off mid-flow the second another guy entered the restroom. Like a faucet connected to shame. It didn’t restart until the coast was clear.
Science? No. Comedy gold? Absolutely.
Enter the Germaphobes
Let’s say you do make it to the toilet. Congrats! Now your enemy is germs. And they’re everywhere. Bathrooms contain up to 77,000 types of bacteria. And not just cute ones with little lab coats. We’re talking:
E. coli
MRSA
Norovirus
Shigella (which sounds like a rejected Muppet)
But surprise twist! The sink is grosser than the toilet seat. Up to 300x more bacteria, because it’s always wet, like a bacterial tiki bar. So next time you panic over sitting down—remember, it’s the sink you should be side-eyeing.
The Myth of the Butt Gasket
To defend their cheeks, many folks use those paper toilet seat covers—aka “poo gaskets.” You may think you’re using them correctly, but like Hunter, you’re probably doing it wrong.
Fun facts:
The flap is supposed to hang into the bowl, not be ripped off.
It’s supposed to go in the front, not the back.
It does... very little. But hey, it makes you feel safer.
The Floating Dump: A Legend Revealed
Yes, some brave souls choose to hover-squat over the toilet, never letting skin touch seat. They float like a yoga master mid-bowel movement, unleashing their business with zero contact.
Downside? That pee’s going everywhere. Hover-pee is like trying to aim a fire hose with your eyes closed. If you do it—please be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.
So Why Are We So Scared?
It boils down to two things:
Embarrassment – We don’t want anyone to know what we’re doing, even though everyone does it.
Shame – Society’s weird conditioning says “poop is gross, keep it secret, keep it safe.”
But here at Privy, we say: No more shame. If you’re doing your business in the right place and not leaving a Jackson Pollock on the seat—you’re a hero.
Clean, But Not TOO Clean
Germaphobia is real. If you need to wipe, Lysol, hover, and glove up, go for it. But know that anxiety is a strange beast, and your fear of catching something from a toilet seat is probably bigger than the actual risk.
Still worried? Single-stall bathrooms are your friend. So is therapy. And so is knowing that Hunter just learned at age 27 how to use a toilet seat cover—you’re not alone.
Final Flush
Whether you’re a stall squatter, hover hero, or shy sprayer—we see you. We support you. And we get it.
Bathrooms can be weird. Public ones, weirder. But you don’t have to suffer in silence. Talk about it. Laugh about it. And maybe, finally, pee in peace.
