Ep 194: Reacting to Awkward Bathrooms w/ Ana Hoover (Privychat 50)
Love, Loo, and Questionable Design Choices: A Valentine’s Day Bathroom Special
Every year on Privy, I invite my wife Ana back for our annual Valentine’s episode—also known as “Valum Times Day,” the third-to-fifth most important holiday in February, depending on where George Washington ranks in your heart.
This year’s romance?
Awkward bathrooms.
Because nothing says love like asking your spouse:
“Would you tandem poop in this?”
Exhibit A: The Face-to-Face Toilets
Imagine walking into a restroom and seeing two toilets… staring at each other. No divider. No stall. Just porcelain eye contact.
My romantic pitch:
“You could hold hands across the gap.”
Ana’s response:
“That’s weird.”
Fair.
The real issue isn’t the proximity. It’s the intimacy. You’re either playing footsie mid-evacuation or aggressively pretending the other person doesn’t exist. There is no middle ground. It’s like couples therapy, but louder.
Exhibit B: The Wood-Floor Urinal Situation
Some designer somewhere said, “You know what pairs well with splashing? Hardwood.”
Urinals, for the record, are splashy. This is not speculation. This is science. Add exposed stalls and a layout that forces you to parade past someone mid-poop? That’s architectural violence.
Ana did confirm something important though: she’s seen urinals in person. High school set-building days. There was a paint sink in the boys’ bathroom.
(Which, honestly, sounds like the start of a villain origin story.)
Exhibit C: The Shower-Toilet Combo Nobody Asked For
One bathroom featured a toilet basically inside the shower.
Romantic potential? Technically yes.
Practical potential? Only if you enjoy:
Wet socks
Accidental shampoo assists
Slipping to your doom after recording an hour-long podcast
The only upside is water efficiency. You cry, you rinse, you flush. One seamless emotional cycle.
Exhibit D: Government Tan Prison Chic
We saw a multi-toilet setup with partial doors and zero dignity. It screamed:
Juvenile detention center
Budget nursing home
“We ordered privacy, it was backordered”
If you can see someone’s knees while they’re pooping, that’s not a door. That’s a suggestion.
Exhibit E: The Toilet-Door Conflict
One bathroom had a door cut around the toilet tank because someone installed a larger toilet and refused to admit defeat.
This is redneck engineering at its finest.
Did they:
Reverse the door swing?
Install a pocket door?
Reposition the toilet?
No.
They cut the door.
I respect the commitment to chaos.
Italian Bathroom Field Notes
Ana recently visited Colosseum in Rome and casually informed a tour guide that ancient Romans used sponge-on-a-stick technology to clean themselves.
The guide was impressed.
I was proud.
Roman bathrooms were communal troughs. You sat shoulder to shoulder. Privacy was for the weak. Vinegar (or sour wine) was involved. It was a whole vibe.
Fun fact: the Emperor sat with the sun behind him so he glowed dramatically during gladiator battles.
Meanwhile, modern baseball stadiums can’t figure out sun angles and I’m blinded in section 214 for three innings straight.
Progress is relative.
Milan: Pay-to-Pee Luxury Edition
In Milan near the Duomo di Milano, Ana paid two euro to use a restroom.
You insert a token.
You pass through a gate.
You enter the Thunderdome.
Apparently, when you pay, it’s co-ed chaos.
Would I pay to pee?
Depends.
Is there hardwood flooring?
The Final Verdict
After reviewing a slideshow of architectural crimes, my wife concluded:
“I don’t understand why they’re where they’re at.”
And honestly? Same.
Some bathrooms are:
Designed by chaos agents
Built during arguments
Or clearly influenced by someone who said, “Good enough,” and meant it
But if there’s one thing Valentine’s Day has taught me, it’s this:
Love is about compromise.
Privacy is about door hinges.
And if your toilet faces another toilet…
You better really trust the person across from you.
Happy Valum Times Day from Privy.
