Ep 184: RANKed Pumpkin Spice Bathroom Products
RANKed: Pumpkin Spice Bathroom Products
Spooky Season is officially in the rearview mirror, and that means one thing: it’s time to get thankful. Thankful for our toilets, our bidets, and for the fact that we live in an era where “Pumpkin Spice Dude Wipes” are an actual product.
So, to kick off this season of gratitude, we’re doing something both festive and unholy: we’re ranking Pumpkin Spice Bathroom Products.
Nothing says fall like the faint aroma of nutmeg wafting from your beard oil while you scrub your pumpkin-scented pits.
The Pumpkin Spice Problem
Before we dive into the rankings, let’s set the record straight.
Pumpkin spice… isn’t really pumpkin.
(Go ahead, clutch your Starbucks cup. I’ll wait.)
What we lovingly call “pumpkin spice” is actually a blend of global trade and ancient spice routes — a fragrant Frankenstein’s monster of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves, and allspice. No pumpkins were harmed in the making of your latte.
Each of these spices has its own wild history. Cinnamon came from Sri Lanka, nutmeg from Indonesia (where it was literally worth more than gold), ginger was used in Chinese medicine and by Emperor Nero to “cleanse” himself after wife murder (don’t ask), and allspice was brought back to Europe by Christopher Columbus, who — in classic Columbus fashion — named it wrong.
So yeah, “pumpkin spice” is really just the world’s colonial history ground into powder and sprinkled on a latte.
The Pumpkin Spice Renaissance
Fast forward to the 1930s, when Willoughby McCormick — spice tycoon and basement entrepreneur — had the genius idea to sell Pumpkin Pie Spice as a pre-mixed blend.
It was marketed as “warm and colonial” (nothing says “cozy” like colonialism) and took off faster than a pilgrim on a sugar rush.
Then, in 2003, Starbucks dropped the Pumpkin Spice Latte. The PSL. The drink that made a million Ugg boots stomp in unison. Suddenly, pumpkin spice wasn’t just a flavor — it was a lifestyle.
And, as is tradition in America, when we love something, we cram it into every possible product category. Coffee? Check. Candles? Check. Deodorant? Why not. Toilet wipes? Absolutely.
Which brings us to today’s very serious scientific inquiry.
The Test: Pumpkin Spice Bathroom Showdown
To determine the best pumpkin spice bathroom product, I ranked contenders on four critical categories:
Look – Does it look like pumpkin spice?
Smell – Does it smell like pumpkin spice?
Usability – Does it actually work as intended?
Taste – Because in the name of science… I tried them.
That’s right. I licked deodorant. You’re welcome, internet.
The Contenders
The lineup was extensive — a veritable fall-scented Thunderdome:
Pumpkin Spice Hand Soap
Dr. Squatch “Drunken Pumpkin” Soap
Duke Cannon Pumpkin Bar
Pumpkin Spice Bath Bomb
Pumpkin Spice Face Mask
Pumpkin Spice Beard Oil, Wash, and Balm
Pumpkin Spice Deodorant (Fable & Dr. Squatch)
Pumpkin Spice Poo-Pourri
Pumpkin Spice Dawn Dish Spray
Pumpkin Spice Lip Balm (Burt’s Bees)
Pumpkin Spice Simply Gum
Pumpkin Spice Dude Wipes
Air Wick Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener
If Bath & Body Works and a Yankee Candle had a baby in a Starbucks bathroom, this would be it.
The Results (and Regrets)
Let’s get the obvious out of the way: everything tasted terrible.
The only thing that didn’t make me question my life choices was the Simply Gum Pumpkin Spice, which earned an unprecedented 8 out of 10 on the “doesn’t taste like poison” scale.
The Air Wick Air Freshener also impressed — not that I recommend putting it in your mouth — but it smelled fantastic and made my laundry room feel like Thanksgiving at a Cracker Barrel.
The Fable Beard Oil hit strong in the scent department, perfectly nailing that “autumnal lumberjack” vibe. The Dr. Squatch soap was solid (literally), though its pumpkin spice notes leaned a bit “spiced candle.”
As for the Dude Wipes, they were the dark horse. They smelled good, worked great, and, thankfully, were never meant to be eaten.
The Winner
🥇 Dumpkin Spice Dude Wipes – Total score: 16/40
🥈 Fable Beard Oil – Smelled divine, slightly oily regret
🥉 Pumpkin Spice Hand Soap – Middle-of-the-road but seasonally spirited
The losers? My tongue. My dignity. And probably my digestive tract.
Last Flush
What started as a simple autumn-themed ranking quickly spiraled into a sudsy descent into madness.
But that’s the beauty of Privy: sometimes it’s history, sometimes it’s horror, and sometimes it’s a grown man licking deodorant to confirm whether capitalism has gone too far. (Spoiler: it has.)
So this Thanksgiving season, be thankful. Be thankful for indoor plumbing, for pumpkin spice lattes, and for the fact that your bathroom doesn’t smell like a Yankee Candle factory exploded.
And as always, friends — keep pooping in the free world, stay spicy, and don’t forget to flush.
