Ep 172: Hittin’ the Head: Maritime Privies in the Age of Exploration

Toilets, Freedom, and the High Seas

What better way to kick off American Independence Day than with historical poop talk?

Fireworks, Freedom &... Poop Decks?

As the U.S. firecrackered its way through another 4th of July, I found myself reflecting—not just on freedom—but on the rather unsung heroes of the American story: the people who pooped their way to a new world.

Now, if you're an international listener, don't go anywhere. I know I may have slapped a “Keep Pooping in the Free World” magnet on the bathroom wall like it's a national emblem, but I promise there's something in this for all of us—namely, shared humanity, historical grime, and communal wiping ropes (we'll get there).

Let’s rewind to some classic summer American chaos: we planned a camping trip for late June, booked way back in March with the blind optimism that surely the weather gods would reward us with sunny, bug-free bliss. Nope. Instead, Oregon dumped an entire year’s worth of rain in 36 hours. We bailed. No shame. Camping in puddles is not patriotic—it’s just dumb.

The Messy Story Behind the Mayflower

You may know the Mayflower as the ship that brought the pilgrims to the New World. What you might not know? It was essentially a cramped, unventilated poop tube crossing the Atlantic for 66 days.

The Mayflower was never meant to carry people. It was a cargo ship, not Carnival Cruise Line. But in 1620, it was loaded up with 102 settlers, 37 crew, and a whole lot of regret. The original plan was to set out with a second ship—the Speedwell—but the Speedwell did what its name doesn't suggest and broke down. Twice.

So the Mayflower set sail alone. And what followed was 66 days of turbulent water, vomit, diarrhea, public pooping, and prayer. Below deck, passengers had 13 square feet per person—roughly the size of a Target shopping cart.

Bathrooming at Sea: Mayhem on the High Seas

Let’s talk logistics. Where did they go?

Option A: Hang it over the edge and hope Poseidon is feeling merciful.
Option B: Poop on the deck and rinse it with ocean water—right through the cracks into cargo hold.
Option C: A bucket, if you were lucky. And if you weren’t? You just… did what you had to do.

Ever used a communal "wiping rope"? The pilgrims did.
It was just a rope, dangled over the edge of the ship, dragged in the ocean, then used by everyone.
No Charmin. No aloe. Just a barnacle-scented rope.
Historians believe this is where the phrase "butt hurt" may have originated. (Okay, no they don’t. But they should.)

Scrubbing the Poop Deck (Yes, That’s a Thing)

Now I know what you’re thinking: Did people really scrub poop off the deck?
Yes. And no, sadly, that’s not where the term “poop deck” comes from. The poop deck is the rear of the ship, often where the captain stood. But let's be honest—at least some scrubbin' happened there. Maybe even with vinegar-soaked rags they shared. That’s right: communal wiping rag. Same one, passed around. Rinsed in vinegar between uses. Squeeze and repeat.

And Then They Got There… to Die

After two months of seafaring feces stew, the Mayflower finally reached Cape Cod in November. Cold, starving, and carrying a bouquet of gastrointestinal trauma, the settlers then… stayed on the boat. For weeks.

Why? Because there were no houses. Just cold, hard earth and dreams of liberty.
Only half of the 102 settlers survived that first winter.

US Poop-Stained Patriots: Why It Still Matters

Why did they do it?

Because freedom—religious, economic, personal—was worth it.
They weren’t just settling a new land. They were seeking a life free from kings, from persecution, and from being told what they could or couldn’t believe. They endured darkness, sickness, and poop rain for a shot at something better.

Before they even left the boat, they wrote and signed a document to form a “civil body politic”—a commitment to shared laws, values, and the beginning of a new kind of society. Not quite independence yet, but a shaky, smelly start.

They weren’t pristine pioneers. They were crusty, barf-stained, barely-clean survivors. But they made it.

The Bathroom Legacy of Freedom

So this 4th of July, while you're sipping sweet tea and watching the sky light up with fireworks, take a moment to remember:

Our freedom was born not just in battle, but in the belly of a ship.
Some people sailed across an ocean without toilet paper just to be able to worship and work in peace.
And they did it while poop literally rained down through the ceiling.

Now that is American grit.