Ep. 17: Urine for a History Lesson (Historical Uses of Urine)
Liquid Gold: The Wild, Historical Uses of Urine (Yes, Really)
Welcome back to Privy, the podcast—and now your favorite weird blog—where bodily functions meet baffling facts from history. I’m your host from the hot seat, Hunter Hoover, and today we're going to talk about something very... golden.
That’s right, friends. This episode is all about pee—or as the Romans called it, “That stuff we tax because people keep using it to do weird things.” Urine: it’s not just for toilets anymore. In fact, it never was.
So pull up a squatty potty and prepare to be amazed, disgusted, and possibly grateful you live in the modern age.
Modern Pee: What Is It Good For?
These days, we mainly do two things with our urine:
Flush it.
Get it tested by a lab when the HR department decides to get nosy.
That’s pretty much it—unless you're into niche electricity hacks or “holistic living” in a yurt.
Fun fact: I’ve only ever had to pee in a cup once—not to work with children, mind you. No, no. It was for a retail underwear job. So rest assured, the people selling you boxer briefs are thoroughly vetted.
Ancient Pee: A Renaissance of Ridiculous
Now, back in the day, pee wasn’t just waste. It was resource. It had value. It had street cred. It was the original Yellow Gold™.
In Ancient Rome, urine was taxed because people were literally collecting and reselling it. That’s right—some guy named Doug probably showed up to public toilets with a jug like: “Hey, mind filling 'er up? Need to wash my toga later.”
Livestock, Bees, and... Pomegranates?
The uses get wild real fast:
Sick sheep? Give 'em stale human pee to drink. (Nope, not kidding.)
Lung issues? Force the sheep to snort it. (Yes, we all hate this.)
Bees? No one knows how or why, but apparently, bees also got pee treatment.
Pomegranates? Roman farmers believed pee made them juicier. Organic? Technically.
Honestly, that’s still less disturbing than what came next.
Pliny the Elder: Pee Enthusiast, Bad Doctor
Enter Pliny the Elder—the original walking WebMD but with more urine and zero credentials.
He recommended pee for:
Burns
Bug bites
Chapped skin
Sores
“Butt problems” (whatever that means—probably hemorrhoids)
His cure-all? A fresh squirt of “liquid medicine” straight from the source. Sir, no thank you.
Urine. As. Mouthwash.
You thought it couldn’t get worse? Welcome to the low point.
Romans reportedly used urine as mouthwash. I can’t yell this loud enough:
JUST DON’T.
Even if the ammonia kills bacteria, so do Listerine, mint, and brushing your actual teeth. Peeing into a cup and gargling is not a substitute for dental care. I don't care what Katullus said. He was wrong.
Urine Laundry & Stain Removal: Ancient Tide Pods
In Ancient Rome, people peed in communal pots—and that pee was collected and used to do laundry. There were entire businesses built on stomping clothes in pee vats.
Imagine your job being:
"Yeah, I stomp socks in pee eight hours a day. Got great benefits, though."
Soap existed, mind you. But pee was free and apparently effective.
Urine as Fabric Dye Fixer
They even used it to set colors in clothing. Want your Led Zeppelin shirt to pop? Soak it in stale pee. It’s like OxiClean, but your neighbors stop inviting you to brunch.
Some British textile industries had tanks holding 135,000 gallons of urine—that’s like the Olympic pool of nightmares.
Estimated 1,000 people peed in it every day. And we’re worried about pool accidents...
DIY Gunpowder (Just Add Pee!)
In 1862, geologist Joseph LeConte outlined a charming process for making gunpowder with manure, ash, straw… and yes, urine. He recommended letting the slurry “ripen,” then tasting it to know it’s ready.
You made a poop-and-pee soup for a month... and your quality control was taste testing?
Sir. Jail.
Urine for Diaper Rash, Eye Drops, and Surgery
Things took a turn in medieval and Renaissance medicine:
Diaper rash? Try pee!
Itchy eyelids? Dab stale urine on 'em!
Missing your nose? Dr. Fioravanti once sterilized a patient’s face with his own urine.
Suddenly, Neosporin doesn’t seem so expensive.
Wartime Woes: The Pee Mask
During WWI, soldiers reportedly peed on rags and tied them around their faces to help survive gas attacks. In the world of “worse than nothing,” this sits firmly between trench foot and mustard gas.
Popular Pee Myths That Just Won’t Die
Let’s bust a few:
Pee on your feet to cure athlete’s foot? Doesn’t work.
Pee on a jellyfish sting? Absolutely not. You're just creating awkward beach memories.
Ancient Science, Modern Regret
Yes, Hippocrates (the “Father of Medicine”) said you can learn a lot from pee. And he was kinda right—urinalysis is still a key diagnostic tool.
But let's draw a line between analyzing pee and using it as Gatorade, mouthwash, or the base of your homemade explosives.
Anecdote Time: The High-Pee Olympics
In a youth group winter trip circa 2009, we discovered a new competition:
How high can you pee?
One of my friends—code name Prospector Chickens—let loose a stream that cleared six feet. The technique? A terrifying combination of bladder pinch and pressure build-up. Basically a DIY firehose.
I don’t recommend it. But it was majestic.
