Ep 168: Privy Patron Saints
Patron Saints of the Privy
With the recent election of a new pope (Pope Leo), it seemed the perfect time to pull a long-simmering topic from the Privy Ideas vault: the unsung heroes of the toilet squad.
A Quick Word on Patron Saints
A “patron saint” is basically the spiritual version of a department manager. Got a sore throat? There’s a saint for that. Losing stuff all the time? Yep, that’s Saint Anthony. And if your bowels are staging a rebellion? Don’t worry—we’ve got options.
Historically, saints were tied to places where they died, were buried, or performed miracles. Over time, this expanded to professions, body parts, diseases, and pretty much every human struggle—including the ones that strike when you've had too many Domino's tots.
The Bathroom Bunch: Saints of the Stall
1. Saint Vincent Ferrer – Patron Saint of Plumbers
You may know him as a Spanish preacher who converted thousands, but in divine HR, he’s listed under “Plumbing & Pipe Maintenance.” Yes, Saint Vincent is the go-to for all things leak-related—spiritual and otherwise.
Italian preacher, builder of churches, and now the celestial cousin of Mario? Yep, that checks out.
2. Saint Vitalis of Assisi – Patron Saint of Bladders & Genitals
Yep. You read that right.
Why did Vitalis land this gig? According to legend, he lived a wild pre-sainthood life. Like, “got some weird bumps on his ding-a-ling” wild. Eventually, he turned it all around, became a hermit, and—thanks to a leaky water basket—ended up the spiritual guardian of leaky bladders everywhere. You can't make this stuff up. (Actually, someone probably did.)
3. Saint Laborius, Saint Marina & Friends – The Kidney Crew
Saint Benedict & Saint Marina: Kidney problems? They’ve got you covered.
Saint Leborius: Patron saint of kidney stones. (He’s often depicted holding comically large rocks—because what’s sainthood without a little visual metaphor?)
Saint Aelred: Bladder stones so bad he was immortalized for them. A rough way to earn a badge, honestly.
If you’ve ever walked bow-legged after a week of spicy food, these are your saints.
4. Saint Polycarp – Patron Saint of Dysentery
Anyone who’s ever died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail probably owes this guy a prayer. Saint Polycarp’s the holy MVP for explosive regret. One can only hope he wasn’t buried in white robes.
5. Saint Genesius – Patron Saint of Fart Jokes
A Roman comedian who converted to Christianity in the middle of a play and got beheaded for it? Genesius is now the patron saint of actors, comedians, and—by divine extension—fart jokes.
Let’s be real: any room under 40 decibels is one good toot away from a miracle.
6. Saint Erasmus (St. Elmo) – Patron Saint of IBS
Legend says he was disemboweled. Literally. His intestines are often shown wrapped around a winch. And now he’s the guy we call on when Domino’s turns our gut into a Slip 'n Slide.
His new title: Saint Elmo’s Fire... But Lower.
7. The King of the Throne: Saint Bonaventure
If Privy had a saint, it would be Saint Bonaventure—the full-on, no-question, Patron Saint of Pooping.
As a child, Bonaventure reportedly suffered from a serious gastrointestinal illness but was healed through the prayers of Saint Francis of Assisi. Later in life, he became a theological powerhouse, Cardinal, and eventually Doctor of the Church. But we love him best for his lesser-known title: Defender of the Diarrheic.
His feast day? July 15. Mark your calendars and cancel your dentist appointments. You’ve got celebrating to do.
