Ep. 49: Wombat Booty (Groundhog Day Special 2022)
Wombats, Butts, and Minecraft Turds: Nature’s Weirdest Bathroom Genius
Welcome back to Privy, where we boldly explore the question:
What if one of the strangest bathroom stories on Earth… came from a chunky Australian marsupial?
Because this week, in honor of Groundhog Day, we’re pivoting slightly from groundhogs to their distant, thicker, somehow weirder cousin:
The wombat.
And trust me—this thing is less “cute woodland creature” and more biological engineering experiment gone delightfully off the rails.
Meet the Wombat: A Tank Disguised as a Teddy Bear
Native to Australia, wombats are:
3–4 feet long
Built like a furry cinder block
Nocturnal
Grass-eating
Professional hole diggers
They look like someone tried to design a bear… from memory… after getting hit in the head.
They dig massive burrows—sometimes up to 100 feet long—with cozy grass-lined sleeping chambers. Sounds adorable, right?
Farmers would disagree.
Because these “cozy homes” are actually landmine-level hazards for farmland, equipment, and anything with legs.
Let’s Talk About the Butt (We Have To)
Now, we don’t normally open the “animal anatomy” folder unless absolutely necessary.
This is one of those times.
Wombats have what can only be described as:
A weaponized rear end.
Their backsides are reinforced with hard, plate-like cartilage, essentially turning their butt into a biological shield.
When threatened, a wombat will:
Sprint into its burrow
Plug the entrance with its armored backside
Kick violently at anything trying to get in
And in some cases (allegedly):
They may crush a predator’s skull with their butt.
Yes.
That sentence is real.
Is it 100% confirmed? Not entirely.
Is it incredible? Absolutely.
Now for the Main Event: Cube-Shaped Poop
Here’s where things go from “interesting” to “what is happening on this planet?”
Wombats produce:
Perfectly cube-shaped poop.
Not “kind of square.”
Not “a little boxy.”
Literal cubes.
Like nature accidentally booted up Minecraft and said, “Yeah, let’s go with that.”
How Does That Even Happen?
Science, being unable to resist a mystery like this, did what science always does:
Cut open a wombat.
What researchers found is that wombat poop only becomes cube-shaped in the final stages of digestion.
Here’s the simplified version:
The intestines tighten unevenly
Some areas contract more than others
Over roughly 40,000 contractions
The poop is gradually shaped into a cube
Also worth noting:
That digestive tract?
About 33 feet long.
That’s a lot of time to think about your decisions.
But Why Cubes?
Ah yes—the eternal question:
“Why would evolution do this?”
There are a few theories.
Theory #1: Anti-Roll Technology
Round poop rolls.
Cube poop… stays put.
Helpful when you live in a burrow and don’t want your business rolling back down toward your bed like a terrible memory.
Theory #2: Territorial Marking
Wombats don’t just poop cubes.
They stack them.
Yes. Stack.
They arrange their cube droppings into little piles to mark territory—like nature’s grossest version of:
“Hey. This is mine.”
And the cube shape helps everything stay neatly in place.
Which means wombats are essentially:
Tiny, furry civil engineers… building poop structures.
A Quick Thought Experiment (You’re Welcome)
Imagine if humans had this ability.
Perfect cubes.
Stackable.
Organized.
Efficient.
Also deeply concerning.
Doctor visits would skyrocket overnight.
Final Thoughts: Nature Is Unhinged (And We Love It)
From armored butts to cube-shaped poop, wombats are proof that nature:
Has a sense of humor
Is not afraid to experiment
And occasionally creates something that makes scientists go, “Yeah… we need to look into that.”
So as we move past Groundhog Day, maybe give a little appreciation to the wombat:
A creature that defends itself with its butt…
and builds with its poop.
