Ep. 40: Back to the Privy - The Bathroom that Brought Us the Flux Capacitor
Time Travel, Clocks, and Wet Porcelain: A Bathroom Conspiracy
November 5th is a sacred day for two types of people: Back to the Future fans and folks who believe slipping in the bathroom is just part of the creative process. On today's episode of Privy, recorded—as always—from my home toilet, we dive headfirst into the strange chain of events that brought us the flux capacitor, and perhaps more disturbingly, into why someone would be hanging a clock above their toilet.
But first, a Target bathroom update. I ventured into the wilds of stall one—mud-butt disaster. Immediate abort. Tried the handicap stall—plumb clogged. So I pulled the ol’ prairie dog suppression technique and held it until I got home. And let me tell you, what came out right before recording was best described as popcorn chicken but poop. You’re welcome.
A Clock Above the Toilet?
Let’s back it up. In Back to the Future, we learn that on November 5, 1955, Doc Brown stood on his toilet to hang a clock, slipped on wet porcelain, cracked his noggin, and BAM—he saw a vision of the flux capacitor.
Let me pause right there. There are so many problems with this story.
Problem 1: Who Has a Clock in the Bathroom?
Seriously, check your own bathroom. Is there a wall clock above your toilet? No? That’s because no one does that. You’ve got phones, tablets, smartwatches. Time is everywhere… except hovering over your toilet tank.
And if you did want to install one, why put it behind you while you’re sitting on the porcelain throne? Are you supposed to crane your neck like a confused owl just to see how long you’ve been dropping the kids off at the pool?
Problem 2: Standing on the Toilet? Rookie Mistake.
This isn’t Cirque du Soleil. There are two types of toilet seat interactions: cheek-based and catastrophic. Standing on your toilet to hang a clock is a one-way ticket to ER-ville. My buddy once cracked a toilet seat trying to pour ice on someone in the shower. Don't be that guy. Get a step stool.
Problem 3: Why Was the Porcelain So Wet?
And here's the kicker—Doc says the toilet was so wet, he slipped off. I have never, ever encountered a toilet that moist unless something has gone terribly wrong. You clean your toilet? Not slippery. You flush it? Still not slippery. You douse it in olive oil and bad decisions? Okay, maybe then.
Which leads me to a theory. A big one.
The Privy Paradox: A Time Travel Conspiracy
What if… just what if… someone from the future went back to ensure that Doc Brown would fall in the bathroom and invent time travel? Stay with me here:
They remove the step stool.
They make the toilet mysteriously slippery.
They convince Doc that a clock has to be hung over the toilet.
Slip. Bonk. Vision.
Ladies and gentlemen, someone engineered this bathroom accident to keep the timeline intact. Like some kind of temporal Home Alone, they rigged the scene so Doc would slip, hit his head, and see the flux capacitor in his mind’s eye.
It's not a coincidence—it's bathroom destiny.
The Butterfly Effect of Bathroom Time Travel
See, if Doc had decided to take a shower that day instead of putting up bathroom decor, none of this would have happened. No DeLorean. No Marty McFly almost making out with his mom. No Rick and Morty.
That wet toilet wasn’t an accident. It was intentional sabotage. And now, every time I sit down on the can and stare at the blank wall above it, I wonder... am I missing something? Should I be hanging a clock? Or a dream catcher? Or maybe just a laminated list of time travel safety protocols?
