Ep. 38: Halloween Candy and the Haribo Disaster

Candy, Chaos & The Gummy Bear Disaster That Could Ruin Your Halloween

Alright, let’s get real. Who hasn’t inhaled a whole bag of gummy bears? It’s Halloween, candy rules, and our willpower took the night off. Speaking of candy, this week on Privy — the podcast that’s actually recorded in my bathroom — we’re diving deep into the wild world of gummy bears, specifically the dark legend of Haribo’s sugar-free gold bears.

Fun fact: Haribo didn’t just wake up one day and invent gummy bears. Nope, these German candy geniuses got their start way back in 1922 with the Gummy Barkins — which, I’ll admit, sounds like a dog treat. The now-iconic gold bears didn’t show up until 1967. They even had a predecessor called the Tanzbar or “dancing bear,” named for its wiggly jiggle thanks to gum arabic instead of the usual gelatin. Imagine a bear doing the cha-cha in your candy bag — adorable but slightly suspicious.

Haribo went global, cranking out over 100 million gummies per day (yeah, you read that right) with a new factory popping up in Wisconsin soon. Sweet success, right?

But then came the sugar-free disaster.

The Demon Bears: A Tale of Terror From the Amazon Abyss

Meet Luke, a brave soul who left a one-star review on Amazon that will haunt your Halloween nightmares forever. Luke took a gamble on Haribo’s sugar-free gummy bears during a final exam (because who needs sleep when you can have gummy bears?). Things went south fast — the sugar substitute, malitol (a close cousin of maltose sugar), decided to wreak havoc on Luke’s insides.

See, malitol’s tricky: part of it tastes sweet, but the rest slides right through your digestive system without being absorbed. This bad boy draws water into your gut (hello, osmotic laxative) and throws a party for tummy bacteria, which produce a gas explosion of epic proportions. Translation: unstoppable, fiery, exam-room bathroom chaos. Luke tried to hold it in, but by question 14, it was all over. He bailed on the exam, rushed the bathroom, and experienced the floodgates of hell firsthand.

His verdict? “See you in hell, Haribo sugar-free gummy bears.” And honestly, Luke, we salute your courage and your vivid review.

Why Do These Bears Turn Your Gut Into a War Zone?

The culprit is malitol — part of a sugar substitute called lycasin — engineered to trick your taste buds but not your gut. When it reaches your intestines, it pulls in water and fuels gas-producing bacteria. The result? Tummy rumbles, airhorn symphonies, and an urgent race to the porcelain throne.

Fun fact: eating just 15–20 of these bears is enough to kickstart the chaos. But let’s be honest — who stops at 15? The recommended serving is nine bears, but if you’re like me (and Luke), that number is laughably low.

The (Thankfully) Retired Hell-Bears

After the internet exploded with horror stories (and ruined finals), Haribo pulled their sugar-free bears from shelves. So no more surprise booty bombs this Halloween — unless you have a secret stash hiding somewhere.

Final Thoughts for Your Halloween Haul

Sugar-free candies exist for a reason — some folks need ’em. But if you find yourself staring at a sugar-free gummy bear bag, do your homework. Look up the sweeteners and beware the bear-shaped nightmares lurking inside.

And if you want to avoid an explosive bathroom episode worthy of a podcast, maybe skip the sugar-free bears this year. Your colon will thank you.