Ep 199: Galaxy Plumbers, Intergalactic Plumbing
Galactic Plumbing Problems: Could Mario Actually Fix Toilets in Space?
Welcome back to Privy, where we take important questions, like plumbing in outer space, and somehow make them worse (and funnier). Because, with the return of Mario in a galaxy-spanning adventure, we have to ask:
What happens when plumbers leave Earth?
Mario Goes Galactic (But the Pipes Don’t)
With the success of the The Super Mario Bros. Movie, everyone’s favorite mustachioed plumber is heading beyond Brooklyn and straight into space. Which sounds great until you remember; plumbing relies heavily on gravity. And space? Famously not a a lot of gravity.
Gravity: The Real MVP of Your Bathroom
Let’s break it down scientifically (and by scientifically, I mean gross, but accurate):
Gravity keeps water flowing
Gravity keeps waste moving downhill
Gravity keeps everything where it belongs
This is called a gravity-fed system, and it’s the reason your toilet doesn’t just become a chaotic soup of regret.
Remove gravity, and suddenly:
Waste doesn’t “go” anywhere
Liquids and solids separate weirdly
Air gets trapped in pipes
Everything becomes more unpredictable
In short:
Your toilet stops being a toilet and starts being a problem. Without gravity, plumbers (even heroes like Mario and Luigi) would need entirely new systems. We’re talking:
Vacuum-Powered Toilets
Think airplane bathrooms, but turned up to 11. Instead of gravity pulling waste down, powerful suction would move everything through the system. Which sounds great until you lose suction. Because then you don’t have a plumbing issue, you have a galactic incident.
Fully Closed Systems
On Earth, waste flows through massive sewer networks. In space, you’re building everything from scratch.
Pipes
Treatment systems
Filtration
Storage
All in a completely sealed environment.
Translation:
You’re not just installing plumbing. You’re basically recreating Earth’s entire bathroom ecosystem on Mars.
Extreme Temperature Problems
Space is not exactly “room temperature.”
On places like the Moon:
Temps can drop to -280°F
Or rise to 280°F
That means pipes could:
Freeze solid
Expand and burst
Crack under stress
So now your plumbing system also needs:
Advanced insulation
Heat regulation
Materials like titanium or Teflon
Because nothing ruins your day faster than a frozen space toilet explosion.
The Real Horror: Floating Bathroom Situations
Let’s address the nightmare scenario. Without gravity, nothing stays in the bowl. Nothing. This means if things go wrong, they don’t go down. They go everywhere. Suddenly, your bathroom problem isn’t contained. It’s orbiting. That said, would Mario even be a plumber in space?
Here’s the twist:
Mario and Luigi might not even be plumbers anymore. In space, they’d need to be:
Engineers
Chemists
HVAC specialists
Vacuum system experts
Basically, instead of fixing pipes, they’d be managing a high-tech waste survival system. Which raises an important question:
Is Luigi’s ghost-sucking vacuum actually the most useful plumbing tool in the galaxy?
The Surprisingly Real Solution
Here’s the wild part. Instead of building massive plumbing systems in space, the better solution might be not using traditional plumbing at all. Astronauts already use suction-based toilets, waste storage systems, and recycling methods.
And in some futuristic scenarios, waste might just be expelled or fully recycled, which is efficient. But, also not something you want to think about too hard.
Final Thoughts: Be Thankful for Gravity
As Mario blasts off into space, just remember:
Down here on Earth, we have it pretty good. Gravity keeps things moving. Pipes stay intact. Toilets behave themselves (mostly). The alternative is a world where your bathroom problem doesn’t flush away…
It floats.
