Ep 181: The Golgothan
It’s Spoopky Season again, and that means one thing: we’re diving into the darker, smellier corners of bathroom lore. And folks—today’s topic is truly unholy.
Forget vampires. Forget zombies. Forget ghosts that only knock three times in the stall next to you. We’re talking about the Golgothan—the poop demon from Kevin Smith’s 1999 cult classic Dogma.
Yes, you read that right. A literal demon made of poop.
A Holy Mess: The Origin of the Golgothan
The Golgothan is introduced in Dogma, a film that manages to mix angels, theology, and fart jokes in roughly equal measure. The story follows two fallen angels trying to sneak back into heaven through a loophole in church doctrine—because apparently, celestial bureaucracy is a nightmare too.
But what really stole the show wasn’t the theology, or even Alan Rickman playing a snarky angel. It was the monster that looked like a melted pile of roadkill and smelled like sin: the Golgothan.
According to the film, this “excremental” demon was born from the bodily waste of the crucified at Golgotha—the site of Christ’s crucifixion. Which means it’s not just your everyday sewer sludge. It’s biblically cursed sewer sludge.
It’s like the Exorcist meets your worst trip to Taco Bell.
The Smell of Sin
Visually, the Golgothan looks like if the Michelin Man had been left out in the sun too long and rolled around in a porta-potty. It’s a walking, talking nightmare that oozes brown goo and bad decisions.
In the film, it’s unleashed in a strip club bathroom—because of course it is—and proceeds to attack our heroes while delivering some truly awful puns. It’s officially classified as an excremental assassin, which raises many questions:
Who is hiring poop demons as hitmen?
How do you not see this thing coming?
And why does hell have such a terrible HR department?
But here’s the kicker: this monster of sludge and suffering isn’t defeated with holy water or divine light. Nope. It’s taken out by a can of air freshener.
If that’s not poetic justice, I don’t know what is.
Smells Like Spoopky Spirit
As ridiculous as the Golgothan sounds, there’s actually a weird historical connection here. The name “Golgotha” means “place of the skull,” and crucifixion was indeed as gruesome as it sounds. Historical accounts suggest that victims would often lose control of their bodily functions as they died.
So, while Kevin Smith absolutely leaned into toilet humor, the concept is rooted (albeit loosely) in biblical history. Which means the Golgothan might be the most accurate “poop monster” in cinematic theology.
Excremental Symbolism (Yes, That’s a Real Sentence I’m Writing)
Beyond the shock value, the Golgothan works as a kind of metaphor. It’s the literal embodiment of sin, filth, and the waste humanity leaves behind—physically and spiritually.
But also… it’s a fart joke that gained sentience. So, you know, it’s deep and dumb. A rare combo.
Holy Water? Nah—Febreze.
When the Golgothan finally meets its demise, it’s at the hands of air freshener. Just regular bathroom-grade deodorizer. Which feels fitting, honestly.
If you’ve ever walked into a gas station restroom and fought back tears with a spray of “Ocean Breeze,” you’ve already done your part in the eternal battle of good vs. evil.
Final Flush
So what can we learn from the Golgothan?
Evil can take many forms—sometimes brown, sometimes sticky.
Air freshener is mightier than the sword.
And the line between sacred and stupid is surprisingly thin.
So light your candle, keep the plunger close, and remember—no matter how dark things get, air freshener conquers all.
