Ep 178: How Much Work Does it Take to Poop? (Labor Day Special)
Laboring Over the Bathroom: Calories, Work, and Labor Day
Labor Day: a holiday born to honor the American worker, now mostly an excuse toonline shop. But here at Privy, we’re not about cheap sales or even parades. No—we’re here to honor the hardest working organ of all: the colon.
Welcome back to Privy, today we’re asking the hard-hitting question: how many calories do you actually burn while pooping?
A Quick March Through Labor Day History (Stick With Me)
Labor Day was first dreamed up by either Peter McGuire (carpenters’ union guy) or Matthew Maguire (machine operator). Both showed up to the early parades, so either way it was a McGuire thing. Congress finally made it official in 1894, and Oregon gets bragging rights as the first state to recognize it (1887).
Originally, the holiday was for speeches and parades. Now it’s mostly promo codes and the crushing disappointment of realizing your cart doesn’t qualify for the 40% off “LABORLOVE25” discount. Progress!
Calories: The Worker’s Currency
Before treadmills started yelling “CALORIES BURNED: 72” at us, the term calorie came from Nicolas Clément, a French chemist in the early 1800s. He used it to measure the heat from steam engines. Later, it became about how much fuel your body burns from food. Basically, calories are tiny receipts proving your body did something—even if that something was just standing upright for an hour.
And here’s the simple math:
4 joules of work = 1 calorie burned.
(Yes, this podcast now contains math. Sorry. Think of it as long division with extra grunting.)
So… How Many Calories Does a Poop Burn?
According to the internet (and my now-destroyed Google algorithm), a “normal” bowel movement only burns about 5–10 calories. That’s like… a single peanut. Not impressive.
But here’s where it gets fun:
Sitting upright alone burns about 10 calories every 5 minutes.
Add in light straining (like casual weightlifting, but sadder), and suddenly you’re torching 75–125 calories in a tough 10-minute bathroom session.
That’s right—your worst “Labor Day” in the bathroom can rival a light workout at the gym. Except instead of dumbbells, you’re battling a stubborn grumpy that refuses to clock out.
Bathroom vs. Baby
For comparison: giving birth burns between 5,000 and 10,000 calories. That’s like running multiple marathons… while inventing a new human. So yes, labor-labor is harder than toilet-labor. But the principle is the same: pushing = calories.
So next time you’re breaking a sweat in the stall, take comfort—you’re not just straining, you’re burning. You’re a worker on the factory floor of digestion. A true Labor Day hero.
A Word on Scale Science
Some people weigh themselves before and after pooping. (You know who you are.) Doctors sometimes do this too, weighing both the person and the poop. Weirdly, the scale difference doesn’t always match the poop weight. Which means some of that missing weight may actually be… calories burned mid-grunt.
Science? Maybe. Bathroom conspiracy? Definitely.
Final Flush
Labor Day is about work. And if you’ve ever sat at 2 a.m. groaning over a stubborn stumpy, you know: that’s work too. Whether you burned 5 calories on an easy drop or 100 on a brown marathon, you labored.
So this year, honor yourself. Celebrate the working man’s turd. And remember: every flush is a timecard. Punch in, punch out, and as always—don’t forget to flush.
